Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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