I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
