My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
