May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
