Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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