so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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