After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
