this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
