i think my tv is drunk
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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