yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
