I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
