just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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