I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
