Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
