if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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