Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
