We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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