When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
