How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
