I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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