I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
