You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
