Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
