My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
pray to the hookup gods
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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