How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize