Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
