Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
