there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
