broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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