dude i'm inner monologue high
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
