So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize