I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
