Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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