I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
