Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
