I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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