why didn't you poke me back
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish you could order shots online.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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