I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
