Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
