There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
