Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
