I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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