Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
