and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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