I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
