First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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