Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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