I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
