On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
