The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How does one acquire holy water?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
