would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
