you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
