i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
