I swear she didn't look like that last week.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i wish my penis had a tongue
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
