Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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