also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
